What do you do when someone's comments intentionally or otherwise bring you down? Blows to my self confidence are just that- blows. They can be devastating. And forget all that crap about being strong and knowing that words can't hurt you and it's no big deal because you know you are awesome and blah blah blah. We all know mean words do hurt, and even if we do stand up for ourselves and act like it's no big deal, those words are like an axe, chopping away at our self image and confidence until we are teetering on the edge of complete collapse. WHY!? Why do I care so much? Why do other peoples words somehow reflect how I should see myself?
If I thought I was beautiful this morning when I woke up and some jerk-face says otherwise, why do I question myself? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and obviously that jerk has a perception of me that differs from how I saw myself this morning. His perception should not effect my own, but when that perception is verbalized or made physical and tangible by his reaction, it does effect me. First I get angry and then indignant. I might try to defend myself but really what's the point of fighting or arguing over it. It really only leads to me taking in those comments, saying they don't matter, and then dwelling on them. Repeating them over and over and remembering the shame I felt because someone reacted negatively to me.
But I should NOT be ashamed. That Jerk Face should be ashamed of their behavior. I did nothing wrong. I am who I am and I am trying my best to be healthy and beautiful. I am trying to love myself the way I need to. I don't need to be accepted or loved by every one, but something in our society has deemed it important to be accepted. So when some jerk reminds you that you are fat or need to lose more weight, or says something to make you uncomfortable about your size or appearance, it can be internalized to mean that you aren't being accepted, that you don't fit in, that you are doing something wrong, and that if others don't love you why should you love yourself. You question yourself.
Maybe I have a weak self esteem. Hell, I KNOW I have a weak self esteem. But I have spent a lot of years building myself up and it's not so bad. But stupid comments still have an effect. I wonder if they have an effect on everyone? Some people must be less susceptible, or do they just hide it better?
Why I am I thinking about this? Because I had a conversation over the weekend with someone who made it painfully clear that I wasn't (or shouldn't be) done losing weight yet. I was asked, for the hundredth time, what I was feeding my fiance, because he was getting so big. And I defensively replied that Mr. Fiance had actually been losing weight because we both have been eating a lot healthier. He now needs a belt for his pants. I also explained that I had lost THIRTY ONE, yes 31 pounds in the past 3 months and if he was gaining any weight it was not my fault, but maybe caused by the half a big bag of potato chips, cans of pop, chocolate bars, and ice cream that he eats ALL ON HIS BIG BOY OWN.
Of course, there was no comment that it was fantastic or even a little bit good that I had lost 31 pounds despite this person REPEATEDLY (as in every time we see each other) commented on my weight and size. There was just a question "are you going to lose more weight? are you trying to be lovely and slender like 'so-and-so' for your wedding?"
Well, I hate to tell you lady, but I AM LOVELY. And yes, I plan to be lovely on my wedding day. I plan to be down right bleeping GLAMOROUS, GORGEOUS, SEXY, FABULOUS, VIVACIOUS, CURVY, and a million other words for looking great on my wedding day. Not that I don't look good on any other day, thank you very much! Do I plan to look 'slender like so and so'? BAHAHAHA NO. Let me tell you why. So and so is much younger, a size 4 bean pole and a foot shorter than me. She has smaller hands, feet, head, smaller EVERYTHING, including bones. So me and my 6 foot 1inch, size 12 wide foot, voluptuous self will NOT look like her on my wedding day. I will look like ME and I will be STUNNING.
P.S.- If you comment negatively about my weight on my wedding day or [try to] make me feel like crap about myself for ANY reason, you will get bounced. ;)
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