So I took a bit of a hiatus over December for Christmas and New Years, and that led into January.... but now, here I am again.
So what did I do over the holidays? I basically told myself that I wanted to eat what I wanted but I would try to do it in moderation so I wouldn't give myself too much of a setback. I also told myself I was going to jump right back on the wagon and eat better once the holidays were over. Since I made this deal with myself well before New Years (it was sometime in November when I had this talk with myself, about the time I decided to take 30 days to make an extremely sugary, fatty, alcoholic cake hahaha) I do not consider this a "New Years Resolution" and therefore, the deal is much harder to break. I promised myself that I would do this for my health and happiness and I had better keep my promises to myself.
So what were the results of my indulgence? Ten pounds of weight gain. I realized it wasn't going to be a pretty number like 0lb or even 4 wouldn't have been too bad. I realized this at my first Christmas Turkey Dinner at about the same time I was shoveling my third helping of stuffing into my mouth and realized "hmmm this my *counts on fingers* seventh starch serving today.... oh dear... what have I done...."
So I averaged 5-7 starch servings every day. Two pieces of toast with breakfast, potatoes, stuffing, starchy vegetables, and desserts. Cakes and pies and cookies and yumm. It added up very quickly. But starches and carbs were not the only culprits that lead to my weight gain. There were the sugars and fats as well. They certainly didn't help any. I also drank Pop. Pop= not good.
Instead of getting all upset over the 10 pounds and beating up on myself about it (like I wanted to at first), I rationalized it. I didn't excuse myself for my behavior but I did remind myself that this was the deal I made. If I were to go back and re-live the past month, I would still have wanted to eat that stuffing, and still enjoyed those peanut butter balls. It's not worth it to make yourself feel like crap over something that made you happy and didn't hurt anyone else.
So I did get back on the healthy living wagon. And I have to say, it took me a month to gain 10 pounds. And in two weeks I have lost 7 of them. So not too bad. I still feel a little stuck, floating up and down around my little plateau. Which is kind of sucky, but I am trying not to let it demotivate me. There are other things that I occasionally think of or observe that have the potential to make me feel like I am never going to reach my goals, but I try to squash them in their tracks before they can embed themselves in my thinking. For instance, this one....
The Gap Between Thighs.... Thighs that don't rub against each other. Even that little triangle of space before your thighs touch that light sneaks through when you look a certain way. I have wanted to have that since I was 12 years old. Seriously. Putting "space where my thighs don't rub together" on a wish list is pretty awkward. And it was a complete misrepresentation or misinterpretation of what should have been my goal. But as a young girl it was something that I saw in celebrity and model photographs all the time. It was something that I yearned for. On top of that I had no idea how to achieve it and doubted that I ever could, which was highly depressing since I was bombarded with images that told me looking like that would make me pretty or gain my acceptance into society.
I have learned a few things about 'the gap.' Not even every very thin or super fit person has it. And for that matter, not every very thin person IS actually super fit. "Thin" and "Fit" or "In Shape" mean very different things. And, "What Shape?" I am in shape. I am in MY SHAPE. It just happens to be a very voluptuous shape. Instead of striving for a certain physical appearance, I want to strive for a level of Health and Happiness that will allow me to do the things I want in life, mostly, to live it. Preferably for a long time. Yes, it will be nice to glean the aesthetic benefits of health as well. I am not denying that I like compliments or looking at myself in the mirror and saying "damn, I look good." But it's not my main goal anymore.
I also learned that if I wanted that gap, the most likely way to get it would be to lose so much weight that my health was in danger, and the rest of me would probably look rather emaciated and yucky if I achieved it. Not everyone with the gap looks that way or is unhealthy (I can't make that assumption anyway...), but I am over 6 feet tall and I don't care what anyone says about "big boned" not being a real concept, I am BIG boned. Anyone that is over 6 feet tall and size 12 wide feet, thick or thin, and broad shoulders, probably has bigger bones than a narrow footed 5 foot tall person. I need muscles and padding to help move these bones around and keep them in place. I might lose that if I were to actually achieve the gap. Society is slowly coming around to the idea that women and men do not need to fit into certain body images that may be unhealthy for some or all of us, and hopefully focusing more on the fact that everyone's health matters, but it doesn't have to be the same health. We are also realizing that "beauty" doesn't equal a certain size, appearance or even health level. Thank Goodness. I have learned that I don't want the gap, and I am definitely no longer jealous of it when I see it. If you can have a gap and be healthy and slim, that is fantastic. Good for you. You are beautiful in your own way and so am I in mine. But what I really think about now when I see the gap in media or wherever is my hope that young girls don't strive and yearn for it like I did. Or that they don't pick some ridiculous aspect of body image to fixate on or obsess over. That they realize it isn't necessary to look at unachievable standards and feel depressed that you can't reach them even if it isn't your fault that they are unachievable. I also hope that they don't get crazy ideas and make themselves sick trying to achieve a ridiculous goal of any kind.
Other possible de-motivators...
The Body Mass Index calculator. Ha. This is not an accurate representation of what health is for all people. In fact, for most people it's unrealistic. For me to be in the 'normal' range of the index I would have to lose more than 50% of my weight. Now, I'm a big girl. And I want to lose a lot of weight. But saying that I need to lose half of myself in order to be healthy or 'normal' is completely overwhelming. So, I don't follow or trust the BMI. Instead I have health goals (and yes, some numeric goals as well.. ) that are attainable yet also challenging. And like a lot of people, I celebrate small victories (like losing 7 of my 10 Christmas pounds) to help keep me motivated.
Non-Supportive people, and the things they say and do. I'm not saying that everyone has to drop their lifestyle or drop what they are doing to support me or help me lose weight and create healthy habits. But I do think it would be nice for them to recognize how much their habits impact the people around them. The comments "well don't you have any will power" and "you can always say no, you don't want any" are not helpful. Of course I want that damn cookie! Please stop waving it around in my face, or offering it to me! And please, when I ask you three times in one week to do something active with me, think about what I'm asking you and realize that it's not about you or me forcing you into something. Maybe it's a sign that I could really use your support, or some time not sitting on the couch eating and watching tv.
Simple Lack of Self Confidence. There. I said it. I have struggled with self esteem and self confidence for... dun duh duh dunnnn... My entire life. Holy Cow. It's not much of a surprise probably. I think a lot of people struggle with this at some point in their lives. And while I am very confident about some things, I am less confident about other things, and definitely have my own issues with self esteem. It can be a huge de-motivator to think "I will never lose any more weight," or "I will never do such and such a thing." It is also a big deal to think that you can't do things on your own. I love the supportive people in my life. I am so lucky to have them. But I really, really, REALLY have to work on not being dependent on them for some things. I have to tell my self, often repeatedly, and sometimes unsuccessfully, that I do not NEED someone to come with me when I exercise. I know this seems to counter-balance my last paragraph about needing supportive people. But the keyword is balance. And I need to find it. I need supportive people, yes. But I also need to know that I can be successful on my own sometimes too. And there is a difference between having a supportive person come along with you to the gym, and depending on a person to 'force' you to do something that you wouldn't do on your own.
Okay.. so.. I failed over Christmas. And now I have these things that could potentially get me down about this whole journey. But I am not going to let them! I am going to take it one day at a time, and reassure myself against these de-motivators and negative thoughts. I am going to stay positive and keep celebrating little goals that add up to huge achievements. And I am going to keep searching for my balance!
P.S.- Next blog post will have new recipes I have been working on!
