Reflection on the first day(s)!

Monday was a pretty bad start to the healthy eating challenge I have given myself. I am not even sure if I will call it a day out of the cycle. Yesterday was much better, although I still faltered (who doesn't?). Mostly in the afternoon and evening and mostly out of complacency, lack of will power, and fierce sugar cravings. I use this handy chart and some extra notes to record what I plan to eat and actually do. Now usually I have a bunch of these charts printed off and I hand write on them. But this one I did up all fancy, just for you. This is what I ate yesterday:

Meal :	I plan to eat:	I did eat:
Breakfast	Protein: 2 hard boiled eggs Probiotic: yogurt Fruit: pear	Protein: 2 hard boiled eggs Probiotic: Oikos greek low fat yogurt –raspberry pomegranate (100g) Fruit:
Lunch	Protein: 2 hard boiled egg whites Vegetables: Pre-made salad with strawberries, grapes, lettuce mix, and 2 tbs nuts, seeds, and raisins.	Protein: 2 hard boiled egg whites Vegetables: Pre-made salad with strawberries, grapes, lettuce mix, and 2 tbs nuts, seeds, and raisins. Probiotic: Liberte 0 greek yogurt- blueberry, and sillouettes- kiwi (200g total)
Snack	Fruit: berries and grapes in Lunch salad	Fruit: berries and grapes in Lunch salad, 2 mini crème eggs.
Dinner	Protein: steak Vegetables: salad greens, caramelized onions	Protein: Steak seared and baked with garlic and steak spice Vegetables: leftover lunch salad
Snack(s)	Probiotic: yogurt	1 cup 1% chocolate milk, 2 oreo cookies, 1 homemade chocolate chip cookie.
Oils	-Salad dressings	-         Salad dressings  (totaling 4 tbs)

I did pretty good on the starchy carb front. No Bread, chips, crackers, pasta etc. None of it. And I didn't feel hungry or deprived at all. Probably because I wasn't. Likely because of the sugary snacks that I grazed on without thinking about it or with ridiculous justifications ("one mini egg right now will be all right, it's just one, and I have done so well today!" and "It's just one cookie" and "the chocolate milk will replace the fruit sugars and dairy that I missed by not having the last 100g of yogurt I was supposed to eat"). These excuses are not valid, and deep down I know that. But similar to the first time I went on this eating plan, I am sort of weaning myself onto it, and weaning myself off of the unhealthy stuff. What I had for my snacks throughout the day (I did not eat them all at once, I just list them in the same place on the journal page) is about the equivalent of what I was eating all at once in the evenings a few days ago. All in all I am quite proud of myself for the way I ate yesterday, and I hope to improve on the bad habits that die hard as each day passes.

 I also did not get my 2L or 8 glasses of water for the day. This is something that I regularly struggle with and often find myself dehydrated, which is never good. There are a few techniques I have heard of to help drink more water and eat less. For instance- drink a large glass of water before each meal so your stomach will seem full and you will eat less. Another one is to put the fork down and take a drink between each mouthful of food. While I cannot say I am going to adopt one of these ideas it did get me thinking that I have to be more aware of when I drink. I also have to make the conscious decision to drink water more often instead of waiting until I am thirsty and only drinking enough to wet my thirst for a short while.  What things do you do to make sure you drink enough water?

A New Start!

I promised myself I would go through another period of weight loss before my wedding. And I am starting today! I thought about a number of alternative methods that I could try, like P90X, weight watchers, etc. But Then I realized that I had a plan that worked before, so why not try it again? I have been pretty successful at maintaining my weight since I went "off" the diet. I have kept roughly 30 pounds off (everyone goes up and down a little bit right?). And now I need to get another 30 pounds to go away and never come back. That is my goal for the short term anyway. 30 pounds now, the rest later.I have indeed weighed myself today, although it was not first thing in the morning before eating when I usually step on the scale. Needless to say I have recorded the number but am not going to reveal it here. I want, maybe selfishly, to keep the big numbers a secret for now. Maybe at the end of the 3rd cycle of the diet this time around, I will reveal where I started in September and the total loss I have accomplished.

I woke up this morning and found lovely ginger cookies. I had the first one half eaten before it dawned on me that this was not the best way to start a new day in healthy eating. I finished the cookie anyway. For the rest of the day I have followed the first cycle of the 17 day diet pretty well, minus the fruit. I haven't had any yet, but I assure you this is a strategic move.

During the first 17 days of the healthy eating plan you eat no carbs or starchy fruits and veggies. You should strive to eat your two servings of fruit before 2 pm so that your body can break them down and process them before bedtime when their energy might be converted to fat. You can eat as much lean meat as you want and as many low carb cleansing veggies as you want. I haven't had any fruit yet today because it is largely going to be my main source of sweetness for the next while. And since I usually eat my sweets in the evening, this is when I know I will be craving them the most. So today I am saving my fruit servings for desert time in the hopes that I don't break down sobbing this evening when it comes time to refrain from eating chocolate and drinking pop, and when hubby-to-be is chowing down on them in close proximity. 

So far today I have eaten:

2 ginger cookies (at least I didn't eat them both at the same time)
1 egg and 2 egg whites made into an omelet with spinach and 1 tbs mixed shredded cheese
1 small chicken breast, baked with 1 tbs barbecue sauce
a cereal bowl full of sweet and salty popcorn
a cereal bowl full of plain potato chips

Hmmmmm can you see where I've gone wrong? I can. Clearly I wasn't as prepared for this re-start to the diet as I thought I was. I definitely need to move starchy snacks out of eyesight and back into the cupboards. I also need to fortify my fridge and kitchen with more fruits and veggies, and force myself to eat them instead of the alternatives. The cheese was not really the best choice, but there was really such a small amount that I am not at all upset with myself about making my eggs tasty and different.

Tonight I am going to try a new recipe for Turkey Meatloaf. This one is supposed to taste like Thanksgiving. It calls for cheese and breadcrumbs that I am going to leave out while trying not to sacrifice too much in the way of texture and flavor. Served with salad. I will let you know how it works out!

Burgers, Bicycles and Baking....

This week has brought many opportunity to eat the most lovely foods. Me being an opportunist, I took most of them and ate a lot of those lovely goodies. I have been trying to psych myself up for the coming weeks when I, unlike all those who fasted or abstained from favorites during Lent, will start abstaining from certain foods just before everyone else breaks their Passover fasting rituals.  I plan to re-start the 17 day diet from the first cycle. I have been doing well to keep the weight that I have lost off, and I have been bobbing up and down in weight around my 30 Lb loss. I would like to see if I can lose that much more going through the diet again. I also want to get back to it to re-teach myself some of the techniques and habits that I have found myself slipping away from. Staying away from refined sugar being one of those habits I need to re-learn desperately.

Since I have made the decision to re-do the diet, I have been slowly saying goodbye to my favorite foods, partially through systematic binge-eating, but mostly through savoring favorite meals and snacks or enjoying eating out. Out of these, there are three things I have chosen to tell you all about.

Burgers! I have had the pleasure of eating at Cheese Curds Gourmet Burger and Poutinerie in Dartmouth. Located pretty much at the end of the Circumferential Highway in the Woodside area, it is easy for anyone in the HRM to get to. The hard part may be getting in through the door. Since it has opened, Cheese Curds has been packed with drooling customers. We arrived just after 1 pm on a Saturday. It seemed busy but we decided we had time to wait. There were about 6 people in front of us waiting to order and we managed to get in, close the door behind us and squeeze through to the back of the line snaking through the restaurant leading to the order counter. Even with only one dedicated cashier taking orders and payments we only waited in line for 5 minutes before it was our turn to order. By the time we ordered there was a line of 15 or more people waiting in line behind us and they were out the door. After you order and pay, you move down the line (where you can watch the Line Cooks and other staff prepare your meal) to the pickup counter. You can choose from a wide range of decadent or simple toppings and sauces, making your burger as fancy or as plain as you want it. You may also have ordered one of the pre-designed burgers that comes with certain toppings but you can still add your own personal touches. After ordering, it took about 10 minutes to get our food. With such a small eating area and seating at a premium, we got our lunch to go and ate in the comfort of our car. It was well worth the wait to get the food, and by eating in our car we got to enjoy the sunny day (if it had been a few degrees warmer we would have opted for an outside eating arrangement). 

I had a BBQ Triple Bacon Burger and Original Poutine. It was delish. Three forms of bacon- pea-meal bacon, smoked bacon strips, and fried bacon and onion pieces. Topped with a sweet and tangy house made barbecue sauce. I added pickled red onions. The burger was juicy. The toppings were fresh. And it was assembled before my eyes by pleasant staff that were clearly enjoying their work atmosphere. The Poutine was classic. Salty slightly smoky gravy, cheese curds, and fresh cut french fries. I would go back. In fact, I want to go back already. I would love to try the sweet potato curry poutine and some other burger options (for instance, they offer a seafood burger, chicken burger, pork schnitzel burger, and a veggie burger). It is well worth the wait.

The Bicycle Thief! On Thursday temperatures soared to 27 degrees in Halifax. It was toasty warm and everyone was out and about showing off their leg skin, arm skin, and all kinds of other skin as they walked around the waterfront. I was one of them. With a lovely friend I strolled along the boardwalk soaking up the sun and visiting another friend that works downtown. When the hunger pains struck we debated briefly where to go and settled on The Bicycle Thief at Bishop's Landing. It was a place I had been wanting to try for ages. Easy to find, the Thief is nestled in the back unit looking out over the Halifax Harbor right next to the playful fountain that children often splash in on the hot summer days. It is also across the parking lot from the Hamachi Steakhouse and Ristorante A Mano.  The feeling of the decor is elegant but comfortable and the staff are welcoming and unpretentious. The Lunch menu has both Italian and North American Classics, all with a twist unique to the Thief.

I had the calamari appetizer. Flash fried rings in a light crispy batter, tossed with fresh herbs and garlic, sundried tomato aioli for dipping.  The calamari were cooked to perfection and not a single ring was chewy or over done. I would have liked a lemon wedge with the calamari to squeeze onto the rings and help cut the richness of the aioli. Next I had the Lunch Trio. Pumpkin and Butternut Squash soup, a crispy panini with Montasio ham and Mortadella cheese and a Rucola salad with an Orange Vinaigrette.  The soup was creamy but not too heavy, with just a hint of aromatic spices. It was perfect for dipping the panini, which was also delightful on its own, a gourmet ingredients grilled ham and cheese sandwich. The salad was refreshing, zesty, spicy and a little bit sweet all at the same time. It did well to balance the heartier flavors of the soup and sandwich. My friend had pan seared haddock topped with a tangy fresh mixture of tomatoes, yellow pepper, cilantro and lemon and served with sea-salted fries and a tiny individual bottle of Heinz ketchup. It was also delightful and fresh, although possibly a little heavy on the lemon juice. For dessert there were a lot of amazing sounding dishes and it was hard to make a choice. We knew we wanted to try some of the house made gelato and sorbetti but instead of opting for simple scoops I ordered the Cassata. A frozen layer cake of creamy caramel gelato, tart raspberry sorbetti, and decadent chocolate gelato separated by lady finger crumbles or fudgey chocolate ganache. Delicious. My friend went for a classic creme brulee and was not disappointed. In fact, the menu says that the Madagascar vanilla in the custard is the shining star of this dessert. It is a very good vanilla custard but I think what differentiates it from all of the other creme brulees out there is it's sheer gargantuan size. We easily could have shared this dessert and both been satisfied, although given the chance I wouldn't share mine either. It was definitely worth the $10 price tag. Everything was well priced and well worth every penny we paid for the excellent food and service we received. I definitely encourage anyone who is curious about the Bicycle Thief to go and check it out. In fact, I already have a plan to go back this week!

Baking!  Last but not least! I love to bake and will be sad to steer clear of it at least for the first two cycles of the new diet regimen. This week I went to visit an old friend from university and wanted to bring a treat in thanks for them opening their home to me and feeding me a delicious supper! This recipe is one that I use often because they are easy to throw together and are a definite crowd pleaser.

Iced Oatmeal Applesauce Cookies

Ingredients

Cookies:

• 4 Tbs unsalted butter, softened
• 1 cup packed dark brown sugar
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 cup chunky-style applesauce (or ¼ cup prepared smooth apple sauce and ¼ cup fresh apple, peeled and shredded)
• 1 1/2 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp coarse salt (omit or reduce to 1/8 tsp salt if using salted butter)
• 1 cup golden raisins (optional)

Icing:

• 1/2 cup confectioners'/ icing sugar
• 2 Tbs pure maple syrup
• 1Tbs water (approximate)

Directions

1. Make cookies: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Put butter and sugars in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on low speed until combined. Add egg and applesauce, mix until well blended, 2 to 3 minutes. Mix in oats, flour, baking soda, baking powder, spices and salt. Mix in raisins.
   
   
2. Using a 1 1/2-inch ice cream scoop or rounded teaspoons, drop dough onto baking sheets lined with parchment paper, spacing cookie balls 2 inches apart. Bake cookies until golden and just set, 12 minutes on a dark colored sheet pan or 14 minutes on a light sheet pan. Let cool on sheets 5 minutes. Transfer cookies to a wire rack set over parchment paper or an empty baking sheet; let cool completely before icing.
   
   
3. Make icing: Whisk confectioners' sugar, syrup, and water until smooth. If you find the consistency too thick, add a few more drops of water. If you find it too thin, add more icing sugar. Drizzle over cookies, let set.

Notes

1. Substituting some of the prepared apple sauce for fresh apples adds a lovely texture and moistness to these cookies. 

2. For ease of icing the cookies, pour the icing into a zip lock bag and cut a hole in one corner to make a convenient and controlled drizzling spout.  I recommend using a sturdy freezer or storage bag for this task. Sandwich bags and small baggies are conveniently sized but made of flimsy material that strong squeezes can easily break, creating huge messes.

Enjoy!

Something Deliciously Meatless

I wanted to make something non-chocolatey and fasting/vegan friendly for Rob's birthday party. I find this not only a challenge but a pleasure, because I love trying new recipes and adapting favorite flavors into something that everyone can enjoy.  I also wanted a simple recipe, and I did some research and looked at a bunch of different vegan and non vegan recipes for peanut butter cookies. This is what I came up with...

Peanut Butter Cookies

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup peanut butter or another nut butter (or a mix of two different butters if you'd like, almond butter works lovely as well)
• 2 Tbs maple syrup
• 2 Tbs applesauce (unsweetened)
• 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 4 Tbs whole-wheat pastry flour (all purpose and white flour work as well)

Directions:

1. In a small mixing bowl, combine peanut butter, maple syrup, apple sauce and vanilla.

2. Add sugar, baking soda, flour, (if using no salt added nut butter, add a dash of salt here as well) and mix well. dough will be quite soft.

3. Refrigerate the dough for at least one hour.  Remove from fridge and roll into equal sized balls. A rounded teaspoon or a tablespoon measure, melon baller or tiny ice cream scoop can be very useful for this part.

4. Return cookies to the fridge to chill. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

5. When oven is heated, flatten cookies just slightly with the tines of a fork before putting them in the oven. Bake cookies for 8 minutes. They will spread out and may look a little underdone in the middles when you take them out, but don't worry, they will be perfect!

6. Let cool on baking sheet for at least 5 minutes before removing the cookies to a cooling rack. Letting them rest will allow them to firm up just enough so that they don't fall apart when you try moving them.

Notes: At Step 3 when you are rolling the cookies into balls you have an amazing opportunity to add creative deliciousness. Try rolling the balls in a sugar crystal coating before placing them on the baking sheet. Toasted coconut is also a tasty option. Chopped nuts or sesame seeds would also be interesting to try.

If you like a stiffer cookie you can substitute brown sugar for the maple syrup OR add more flour in small bits at a time until you get the consistency you prefer.

For crispy cookies, do not refrigerate, bake the cookies right away. They will spread quite a bit and you may want to cook them another minute or two.

I am excited to try banana instead of apple sauce in this recipe. Also, a drizzle of melted vegan/ nondairy chocolate would fancy these up (or regular chocolate for those that want).

These are not a "health" food. Still, there are worse things out there that you could be eating. I used this Recipe Calculator to determine that if you stretch this recipe to make 24 cookies, each cookie has about 100 calories and 5 grams of fat. I am not sure entirely how accurate that is, but I thought I would let you all know. If craving peanut butter cookies and/or looking to be a little less carnivorous these are a tasty and not super guilt-inducing treat in moderation.

Enjoy!

New Adventures and Old Loves

Okay, so this week has been good and bad for me. I have not made the best food choices. But I have been doing some lovely new exercises. This season in general has kind of been that way. I slipped off the wagon and starting drinking Pop again. Bad Selina. I am weaning myself off it after my short relapse. With the sweet cravings and the fact that sometimes my willpower is simply too weak to resist them, I have been experiencing high blood pressure and hot flashes and poor sleep again. On top of headaches, tummy aches and general sluggishness. Sugar = Bad. I won't harp on this much more.

However, I have been indulging in some very lovely things. Old and New, these things make me happy for various reasons and I thought I would share them with you. Starting with the New Adventure.

I went to my first ever Step class on Saturday. It was intense. And I spent a lot of time aimlessly flailing. And sweating. I am mildly sore but it's that good kind of sore. The "I haven't used those muscles this much in years and I'm exhausted but I feel GOOD in an achy sort of way" sore. Only one class per week fits into my ridiculous schedule, but I think it might be a routine thing for me in the future. For anyone who is scared of trying Step classes (much like me, I was terrified), I highly recommend giving it a go at least once.

And now for the Old Loves.

Basha Pizza and Donair. This is a pizza restaurant in Cole Harbour NS. Owned and operated by dear friends of mine and Robert's, eating and hanging out at this place used to be a weekly ritual. Now it is slightly less frequent and an indulgence. I try (keyword "try") not to over stuff myself when I eat there and consider it a delicious treat. They have the best Garlic Cheese Fingers AND the best Donair meat, Donairs and Donair Panzarottis (and generally the best anything relating to Donairs, including Donair Egg Rolls *drool*) in the Halifax Regional Municipality, and possibly the province/country/world/universe. As far as I am concerned. Note the repetition of the word "Donair." Subliminal messaging much? :)

Two if By Sea. Specifically, the Prosciutto and Cheese Croissant that Two if By Sea offers up almost daily in their little coffee shop in Dartmouth. I have never been to the Halifax location but I am sure it is equally wonderful. My waist is probably lucky that I do not know how to properly make a croissant like Two if By Sea. I mean... butter held together by thin layers of dough? Filled with cured meat and cheese? or Chocolate? I would be a million pound diabetic with kidney failure before I was 30. But as a rich and decadent treat? Oh yes. Yes indeed. This is the perfect weekend morning splurge (after Step class hahaha). With an iced Mocha served on the rocks in a mason jar at a communal table with friends and/or perfectly polite strangers. Because everyone is happy when eating pastries and drinking coffee based beverages.


I apologize for any cravings that may result from reading this post. I encourage you to try new exercises but also to treat yourself to new tasty treats along the way. The key is to find balance between the two. Something I am still trying to do hahaha!

Amazing Day, Amazing Treat!

Yesterday, I had a skinny day.
I was wearing my favorite jeans, even though they have gotten a little stretchy and sometimes lose their shape. And a black tank top and my favorite zip up eco friendly cotton hoodie. Yep. I wasn't even trying. But I caught my reflection in the mirror at just the right angle and said "Holy Cow, I have a waist! My hips look really good today! Look at my butt! I love the way I look!"

It was, no word of a lie, AMAZING.

I do not have these days every day. I am not even sure I have them on a regular basis. And usually when I do have them, it requires a LOT more effort on my part. So it was a good day. And makes me feel better. My weight loss and healthiness seem to be coming slowly at the moment, but it is happening! And this is good news! This is reason to keep going and to NOT drink that can of pop...

That being said. I also promised recipes for my next blog post. One of my current craves have been cinnamon buns. This, I am sure, is linked to my carbaholism and sugarholism. So I have come up with a relatively healthy-ish version to share with you. You can swap out the whole wheat flour and maple sugar for all purpose flour and brown sugar and make it devilishly sweet, but this will surely lead to a downward spiral of sugar cravings.  This way you can satisfy your sweet tooth without going too overboard.

Mini Cinnamon Buns

Ingredients:

1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour (you can use 2 cups of whole wheat if you want to be really good.... )
1 packet quick rise yeast or 1 Tbs quick rise yeast
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
2 Tbs maple syrup
1 cup very hot water

3 Tbs butter/margarine
Cinnamon
1/4-1/3 cup Granulated Maple Sugar

Directions:

1- Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. 

2- In a large mixing bowl combine flours, yeast, cinnamon and salt. Make a well in the center and pour in the maple syrup and hot water. Stir from the well outward until a soft dough forms.

3- Turn the dough out onto a floured counter and knead, adding flour as needed until a stiff, less sticky dough comes together in a ball. Cut the ball in half and return one half to the mixing bowl.


4- Roll out the first half of the dough using a floured rolling pin until it is between 1/4 and 1/8th of an inch thick (if you want fewer larger buns, go for the thicker side, if you want many mini buns, go for a thin dough). I try to keep my dough relatively rectangle shaped to help with rolling it up afterward. Place the dough with the long side horizontally facing you.

5- Spread half of the butter onto the rolled out dough. Sprinkle with a liberal amount of cinnamon. Top with half of the maple sugar. Fold 1/2 to 1 inch of dough over away from you and press the edge gently to help it stick. Roll the rest of the dough into a long cylinder.

6- Using a sharp knife, cut the dough roll in half. If you have used a very thin dough and have a smallish roll, cut each half of the roll into 4 pieces for a total of 8.  If you have used thicker dough and want bigger buns, cut each half into 3 pieces for a total of 6.

7- Repeat steps 4-6 with second half of dough, butter, cinnamon and maple sugar. 

8-  Arrange the buns in an 8x8 square baking dish that has been sprayed with non stick cooking spray. Leave a space between them out so they have room to puff up as they bake (use a larger pan if necessary). Bake for 15-20 minutes until golden brown. If your buns are close together they may take the longer time to bake as less air can get around them.

9- As a treat instead of frosting these, drizzle them with a little more maple syrup when they come out of the oven. This helps make up for some of the extra gooeyness that is lost when substituting maple sugar for brown sugar. Let them cool for a few minutes (you may have to restrain yourself) and then ENJOY!

These are a great little snack or dessert that you don't have to feel too guilty about. That said, I do not recommend leaving a pan of these within reach of your spot on the couch or they will quickly disappear!

Long Time No Flog

So I took a bit of a hiatus over December for Christmas and New Years, and that led into January.... but now, here I am again.

So what did I do over the holidays? I basically told myself that I wanted to eat what I wanted but I would try to do it in moderation so I wouldn't give myself too much of a setback. I also told myself I was going to jump right back on the wagon and eat better once the holidays were over. Since I made this deal with myself well before New Years (it was sometime in November when I had this talk with myself, about the time I decided to take 30 days to make an extremely sugary, fatty, alcoholic cake hahaha) I do not consider this a "New Years Resolution" and therefore, the deal is much harder to break. I promised myself that I would do this for my health and happiness and I had better keep my promises to myself.

So what were the results of my indulgence? Ten pounds of weight gain. I realized it wasn't going to be a pretty number like 0lb or even 4 wouldn't have been too bad. I realized this at my first Christmas Turkey Dinner at about the same time I was shoveling my third helping of stuffing into my mouth and realized "hmmm this my *counts on fingers* seventh starch serving today.... oh dear... what have I done...."

So I averaged 5-7 starch servings every day. Two pieces of toast with breakfast, potatoes, stuffing, starchy vegetables, and desserts. Cakes and pies and cookies and yumm. It added up very quickly. But starches and carbs were not the only culprits that lead to my weight gain. There were the sugars and fats as well. They certainly didn't  help any. I also drank Pop. Pop= not good.

Instead of getting all upset over the 10 pounds and beating up on myself about it (like I wanted to at first), I rationalized it. I didn't excuse myself for my behavior but I did remind myself that this was the deal I made. If I were to go back and re-live the past month, I would still have wanted to eat that stuffing, and still enjoyed those peanut butter balls. It's not worth it to make yourself feel like crap over something that made you happy and didn't hurt anyone else.

So I did get back on the healthy living wagon. And I have to say, it took me a month to gain 10 pounds. And in two weeks I have lost 7 of them. So not too bad. I still feel a little stuck, floating up and down around my little plateau. Which is kind of sucky, but I am trying not to let it demotivate me. There are other things that I occasionally think of or observe that have the potential to make me feel like I am never going to reach my goals, but I try to squash them in their tracks before they can embed themselves in my thinking. For instance, this one....

The Gap Between Thighs....  Thighs that don't rub against each other. Even that little triangle of space before your thighs touch that light sneaks through when you look a certain way. I have wanted to have that since I was 12 years old. Seriously. Putting "space where my thighs don't rub together" on a wish list is pretty awkward. And it was a complete misrepresentation or misinterpretation of what should have been my goal. But as a young girl it was something that I saw in celebrity and model photographs all the time. It was something that I yearned for. On top of that I had no idea how to achieve it and doubted that I ever could, which was highly depressing since I was bombarded with images that told me looking like that would make me pretty or gain my acceptance into society.

I have learned a few things about 'the gap.' Not even every very thin or super fit person has it. And for that matter, not every very thin person IS actually super fit. "Thin" and "Fit" or "In Shape" mean very different things. And, "What Shape?" I am in shape. I am in MY SHAPE. It just happens to be a very voluptuous shape. Instead of striving for a certain physical appearance, I want to strive for a level of Health and Happiness that will allow me to do the things I want in life, mostly, to live it. Preferably for a long time. Yes, it will be nice to glean the aesthetic benefits of health as well. I am not denying that I like compliments or looking at myself in the mirror and saying "damn, I look good." But it's not my main goal anymore.

I also learned that if I wanted that gap, the most likely way to get it would be to lose so much weight that my health was in danger, and the rest of me would probably look rather emaciated and yucky if I achieved it. Not everyone with the gap looks that way or is unhealthy (I can't make that assumption anyway...), but I am over 6 feet tall and I don't care what anyone says about "big boned" not being a real concept, I am BIG boned. Anyone that is over 6 feet tall and size 12 wide feet, thick or thin, and broad shoulders, probably has bigger bones than a narrow footed 5 foot tall person. I need muscles and padding to help move these bones around and keep them in place. I might lose that if I were to actually achieve the gap. Society is slowly coming around to the idea that women and men do not need to fit into certain body images that may be unhealthy for some or all of us, and hopefully focusing more on the fact that everyone's health matters, but it doesn't have to be the same health. We are also realizing that "beauty" doesn't equal a certain size, appearance or even health level. Thank Goodness.  I have learned that I don't want the gap, and I am definitely no longer jealous of it when I see it. If you can have a gap and be healthy and slim, that is fantastic. Good for you. You are beautiful in your own way and so am I in mine. But what I really think about now when I see the gap in media or wherever is my hope that young girls don't strive and yearn for it like I did. Or that they don't pick some ridiculous aspect of body image to fixate on or obsess over. That they realize it isn't necessary to look at unachievable standards and feel depressed that you can't reach them even if it isn't your fault that they are unachievable. I also hope that they don't get crazy ideas and make themselves sick trying to achieve a ridiculous goal of any kind. 

Other possible de-motivators...

The Body Mass Index calculator. Ha. This is not an accurate representation of what health is for all people. In fact, for most people it's unrealistic. For me to be in the 'normal' range of the index I would have to lose more than 50% of my weight. Now, I'm a big girl. And I want to lose a lot of weight. But saying that I need to lose half of myself in order to be healthy or 'normal' is completely overwhelming. So, I don't follow or trust the BMI. Instead I have health goals (and yes, some numeric goals as well.. ) that are attainable yet also challenging. And like a lot of people, I celebrate small victories (like losing 7 of my 10 Christmas pounds) to help keep me motivated.

Non-Supportive people, and the things they say and do. I'm not saying that everyone has to drop their lifestyle or drop what they are doing to support me or help me lose weight and create healthy habits. But I do think it would be nice for them to recognize how much their habits impact the people around them. The comments "well don't you have any will power" and "you can always say no, you don't want any" are not helpful. Of course I want that damn cookie! Please stop waving it around in my face, or offering it to me! And please, when I ask you three times in one week to do something active with me, think about what I'm asking you and realize that it's not about you or me forcing you into something. Maybe it's a sign that I could really use your support, or some time not sitting on the couch eating and watching tv.

Simple Lack of Self Confidence. There. I said it. I have struggled with self esteem and self confidence for... dun duh duh dunnnn... My entire life. Holy Cow. It's not much of a surprise probably. I think a lot of people struggle with this at some point in their lives. And while I am very confident about some things, I am less confident about other things, and definitely have my own issues with self esteem. It can be a huge de-motivator to think "I will never lose any more weight," or "I will never do such and such a thing." It is also a big deal to think that you can't do things on your own. I love the supportive people in my life. I am so lucky to have them. But I really, really, REALLY have to work on not being dependent on them for some things. I have to tell my self, often repeatedly, and sometimes unsuccessfully, that I do not NEED someone to come with me when I exercise. I know this seems to counter-balance my last paragraph about needing supportive people. But the keyword is balance. And I need to find it. I need supportive people, yes. But I also need to know that I can be successful on my own sometimes too.  And there is a difference between having a supportive person come along with you to the gym, and depending on a person to 'force' you to do something that you wouldn't do on your own.

Okay.. so.. I failed over Christmas. And now I have these things that could potentially get me down about this whole journey. But I am not going to let them! I am going to take it one day at a time, and reassure myself against these de-motivators and negative thoughts. I am going to stay positive and keep celebrating little goals that add up to huge achievements. And I am going to keep searching for my balance!


P.S.- Next blog post will have new recipes I have been working on!